Being single is far too easy, but it comes with a cost. It is a cost in which it means learning all about the hardships of being that lone wolf, seeing people for who they are, and acknowledging the realities of yourself after a breakup. Things I’ve learnt being single has been very fascinating but far more intense. Growing up is all part of life. Hopefully, we all understand that along the way; the same goes for all the reality checks.

Feel your emotions

I mean it with this one! When you want to cry, cry. Let all those tears out because, as a matter of fact, crying is considered very healthy. They say there’s always 5 stages to grief when we lose someone or break up. In this case, we feel every stage of grief! I can tell you one thing, I have had lots and lots of moments where I could feel myself filling up with sadness; entering my bedroom, my eyes let loose with their waterworks. Anger and depression are other stages of grief too. I’m not implying getting revenge or becoming an axe murderer, but at least understand what makes you rile up in anger. After all, Auckland has an axe-throwing room where you can rage out for hours, not just punching your pillow for five minutes. Ah, the most common, depression. This one is indeed tricky because depression is sorta like pain tolerance. We have different levels of what we do and can’t do; others may take only a shower, and others may not eat for days. Depression is a foggy walk through the tunnel; you don’t know what to do, and the significant numbness takes over your conscious, similar to our pain tolerance.

Changing your atmosphere/environment makes things better

The first time I redecorated my bedroom, bought new clothes and replaced old items with new ones, I didn’t see any of my belongings with the memory of my ex. I had the only thought in mind ‘this is my new beginning’. It’s truly magic what your mindset can be once you change the atmosphere around you. When I went through my breakup, my flatmate and I (who was also going through a breakup) went out to buy some incense sticks, sage and beautiful crystals. I purchased clear quartz and black obsidian. We both lit our incense sticks, saged the entire house and let me tell you, our lives were getting better after a week. My flatmate and I had met someone new, been earning more from our salaries and had been given new adventures to go on. We both had our fair share that maybe crystals, sage, and incense work.

PTSD and trauma are valid experiences

Post-traumatic stress disorder is an extreme symptom that occurs after a significant event. Breakups, abuse, travel horror stories. PTSD can happen to anyone from any event; the only bad thing is that it can take months, years to get over. And on the rare occasion, it’s life-lasting. It doesn’t mean you’re mentally messed up; maybe you have just been through the unimaginable. Everyone on this planet has stories to tell, wisdom to share, and understandings to hold. As I always say to my friends, turn the pain into power. All forms of anxiety, PTSD, depression are VALID. It’s not an excuse; it’s a disorder that impacts our mental health, wellbeing and daily life. I can remember the days where I had been experiencing PTSD EVERY day for months and months. Crying, having panic attacks, being terrified of my security and feeling toyed with. It’s valid to experience these symptoms, especially when it takes months or years to heal. PTSD and trauma are VALID experiences.

You’re gonna feel the dilemma REAL BAD

I have not had many dilemmas in my life, apart from most of my breakups. It’s like having the devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other. They’re telling you what to do when to do it, convincing you of their fears or false accomplishments. I can remember going through a dilemma until my ex’s 15-year-old daughter went to threaten me with a restraining order; I can’t imagine what the court with say about that type of BAD parenting. If you’re going through a dilemma, my advice is to write out fifty reasons why they were a horrible person. Even having one reason is enough to put you off. I wrote about sixty reasons why my ex was the vilest person ever. I suggest you do the same: print out copies, stick them up on the wall and read them UNTIL you are entirely over them.

You have to put yourself first

It’s true. You only have yourself at the end of the day to disappoint, make you happy, rely on and motivate. It’s yourself. I remember when I was living in my apartment, going through my PTSD experience, I went out to buy new books to read and change my mindset. The book I purchased was Pocket Positivity By Rupaul. What better way to have a reminder about life, laughter and facts than the most hilarious RuPaul? I still read his book when I feel down on my occasions, but it definitely is worth it. Creating lists of things to do, make yourself happy or even distract yourself can change your mood.

Another thing I’ve realised is that MANY MANY people will tell you that you’re being selfish in putting yourself first. Do they pay your bills, buy your groceries or have they been in your shoes? Being selfish isn’t bad, in fact focusing on yourself for six months can put your life, five years ahead.

Retail therapy really DOES help!

If you haven’t played 7 Rings by Arianna Grande enough, you haven’t experienced retail therapy. The first week after my break up, I went out shopping, bought myself new clothes, designer brands, and perfumes, and spent a lot on online shopping. You have to ask yourself, at the end of the day, which will last longer in your life, a shitty boyfriend who dumped you or that beautiful Chanel scarf for winter? When I do retail therapy, I like to make sure I have at least eight shopping bags on my arms. Just like Blair Waldorf, but instead of pairs, I’m in Auckland. Just like changing your atmosphere/ environment, retail therapy really does help. New Chanel scarf with new memories and more love than your ex will ever promise you.

There are BETTER fish in the sea!

This most famous phrase is told by women. Our planet isn’t populated for nothing; we are on this earth to experience life in various ways. Even if that means searching for better fish in the sea after a breakup. I have never ever had a boyfriend worse than my ex; all men I have dated have been better than my previous partners, apart from my recent ex with his daughters. I plan to go overseas to Europe, and the first country I want to visit is Romania. I can already envision my perfect nights with a gorgeous Romanian man who knows how to love me in every way. I am for sure gonna be making the most of it when I go overseas. Travelling will be your best friend to find better fish in the sea, starting with Romania; I will be indulging myself with a handsome young, smart Romanian HOTTIE.

‘IT IS WHAT IT IS’ mindset

Over time from healing and being single, I’ve adopted the ‘it is what it is’ mindset. Having the non-attachment mindset is so good because you learn that not everything is meant to go straight; things will come to you if it’s meant for you, hence the ‘it is what it is’ mindset. I recall having my mind fixated on a handsome man; he had blue eyes, gorgeous blonde hair and a beautiful smile. Unfortunately, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, which was hard to process, but then I realised. Things will come to me if it’s meant to be; that is when I started not caring about being fixated on people and stopped obsessing. My ‘it is what it is’ mindset came into play, allowing me to not only find my worth but acknowledge those who DESERVE to have and be with me. Some men want you, but then there are men who DESERVE you, know the difference.

You HAVE to give yourself the reality check 247

There’s no way to take anything lightly these days, and I advise that a lot. Pain makes you stronger, so you should give yourself a reality check on your relationship. There’s a famous piece of work I have been doing lately. Shadow work. If I could sum it up in one sentence, I would say it’s basically giving yourself tough, scary questions that you need to realise about who you are, your deep fears and significant problems you may have hidden inside. I’ve been practising shadow work for a few months now, and it really does bring out the dark, but it vanishes once you give it a reality check and understand it all. Reality checks aren’t just saying ‘fair enough’ or ‘that’s true. It’s about acknowledging the problem, why, how and realising what it all is, where it comes from. Giving yourself a reality check also means changing. Not your personality, style of fashion but rather your mindset, when to not overreact or act childish. Showing that you are a grown adult is very important.

Being single is better than being sad and desperate! just like my ex

It’s true; my ex was a very vanilla insecure man who needed validation from other women and to make sure he still had it. I find it very sad, but I understand why he is like that. All men NEVER change. While being single and helping others in their relationships, I’ve learnt that I’ve come across the MOST desperate men. They’ll have a girl living with them and think, ‘I’m right here, and I’m the one for her’. Do you know how desperate that sounds? I understand you like the girl but try being single and working on yourself. I’ve been seeing a lot of desperate, thirsty people in the dating pool; I think being single is much better than being sad and hopeless like most people these days. Like I said before, some people want you, but some people DESERVE you. Know the difference. Right now, I’d rather keep to myself until that remarkable man deserves me.